its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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