I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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