sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
