I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
