Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We left the knife in your bed.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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