U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Houston, we have a blender
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
