The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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