Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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