Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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