I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
