New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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