I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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