On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
