Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
