I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
