dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
