What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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