I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
