Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
