nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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