I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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