i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
