My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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