Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
