I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
