I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You ate ashes out of my bong
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
