I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
