dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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