Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
