Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
