Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
