Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
