I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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