sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
