Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
