she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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