Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
