Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
