she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
