also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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