she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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