My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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