please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
