I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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