Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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