oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My balls are so social today.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
