so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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