I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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