i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
