I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
