i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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