There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
