Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
