if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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