I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
