clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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