he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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