8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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