I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
